long time no...write

weeks have passed and yet they seemed like days

too many things on my "to do" list...and none of them seem to want to get crossed off. My mind is clouded by questions of "is it the right choice?" and yet no one in this world can help me give them an answer...only myself and only with God's help.

The light at the end of the tunnel has vanished. Everything seems hazy.

I don't see how I'll ever finish these stupid assignments. I don't see how I'll ever be ready to sit for those exams in less than a month's time. But especially. I don't see how I'll ever be able to get the grades I need to live the dream. And yet initially it didn't seem so difficult.

It is time to press the stop button for the background music and the play button for the real thing.
To pull up my socks and press the accelerator pedal.
To forget everything else and live for IT.
But most importantly, to give all I have and all I'm worth for IT.

It might still not be enough, but at least I would have tried.

farewell my dears xxx

thinking thinking thinking

This morning I realized what might be causing all the headaches: I think too much.
It's not funny...I really do think to much!
Martin tells me that I over-analyse everything and he is perfectly right! before I reach any cross roads I stop and think it all out. I think of all the possible pros and cons of every choice, and I even go further. I also come up with a number of "what if's" for what will be happening after that choice. ...And my little brain tries to analyse all this info to be able to choose the right path. And the path it tries to choose isn't the right path right now but it is the right path which will be right forever....and believe me, all this thinking and analyzing is bloody tiring!
At times I wish I could unplug my brain and live life on the spur of the moment and lock out all of this worrying and thinking and stuff...but when I stop and THINK about it I realize that I don't really want that either. When I was younger I used to make choices on the spur of the moment and I managed to collect quite a number of horrible choices over the years.
So NO, I don't want to stop thinking...I just want to find a way of switching it off during lectures or while I'm trying to understand the concepts behind X-ray diffraction or while working out vibrations tutorial sheets or even worse: while I'm trying to fall asleep...even though I found a solution for that: I start counting and by the time I'm at one hundred forty something I fall asleep. lol
Oh, and I think I know why I like the Networks lectures. My brain seems to analyse stuff in exactly the same way as we analyse networks to find the shortest path from a to b etc in networks. It's a pretty weird feeling to like a maths subject at uni!

Don't worry if you didn't understand shit of what you just read...my brain is complicated.

Now I'm off to continue my x-ray diffraction assignment...the joy!

xxxx

Science Week

As science week begins at our beloved (...on some days, despised on others) University of Malta, university is full of kids on school outings. I can't help looking at them and feel sorry for them.
This is not a grumpy blog.
I just think that when you look at a six year old and think that most probably this lively little kid is likely to have another 15 years(or more) of arse flattening studying ahead of him/her it makes me want to give the kid a big hug...poor thing!
I'm not saying that studying is horrible, far from it! I think I have learnt a lot of really interesting things in the last 17 years of my life...it's just the system and the side effects that are wrong.
why should I have a headache every day of my life?
why should I lose my hunger whenever I have a deadline?
why? pls tell me why because I really don't get it! during erasmus I never suffered from all this. So what is wrong? is it something in San Michel water or the Maltese air?

the weekend

...yes... yes... I know.

I know I didn't tell anyone about this blog so I cannot expect comments...but I'm still bugged.

I also spent the last week bugged because my birthday meal was not going to b held on the day of my birthday. Don't ask why but it really bugged me. And then today...today good news. I'm going to have my birthday meal on my birthday :)) yays :)

now I can look forward for the weekend...and PARTEEEEYYYY

A little one

...just a short one today.

Today was a good day.

Many little things made it a good day but the best one happened just as I was about to leave. While walking away from the library I passed from the quad and noticed something I had never noticed before. If you go to the quad at 5pm you will notice that at that time all the birds go to their nests in the trees and start chirping. The chirping is almost deafening...and it's wonderful!

It's one of the things I want to remember next year when I'll b away.

Preface

This is the first blog of my life and for this reason I think it should be celebrated. I am finally going to write down my thoughts, no matter how random, and they are going to be able to be read across the world. It will be fine with me if no one is interested in them...but at least they are here, available for those who actually are interested. I guess it is time to say a bit more about myself now.

I am currently in my 4th year in Mechanical Engineering. I spent the last 3 years of my life fighting against a bunch of lecturers who have no respect whatsoever for students(with some exceptions) and now I thank God that the end is near cos, to tell you the truth, I am sick and tired of being in this constant battle. I hope that in a year's time I will be writing blogs from Delft or London and that, in whatever country I would have found myself living, I will be happy.

Mr. Lionel Chircop, my old religion teacher, used to say that happiness is an inside job. I think he was very right. Happiness is something which comes from within. You can be in the shittiest of places and still be happy, you can be in the most wonderful of places and not be happy at all. It is your outlook to life which determines whether you are happy or not and not what life is giving you. At this point in my life I am in limbo. I am looking at the junction which I am approaching fast and I am still unsure which of the roads I will be allowed to pass from.

One road has beautiful trees at each side which are in bloom...the other has a couple of trees but slightly hazy.