more than a week after Malta suffered a major power outage I cry out loud: "my light my light where have you gone?"
but my light does not depend on the luminescence of some metal/gas when excited by the electrons flowing through it...it depends on something different...something deeper within.
as exams and deadlines approach (very very fast) my body seems to shut down in a manner similar to hedgehogs in the middle of a highway..the thing is that I don't want it to shut down..I want a 2010 porche cayenne and instead I'm left with a 1957 Fiat 500.
and yet the light is still absent
...and i want it soo bad
is it normal to want a course so bad you're ready to write a 3000word long personal statement...get accepted for the course even though you don't fulfill the grade entry requirements and then the second ur told u wer accepted you start doubting everything and you stop feeling the spark (which was more of a lightning bolt before) when you look at the course description? I don't think that now that it has been all set, airline ticket booked and the fees paid it's the time when I should be doubting things.
I'm not saying that it's not a dream come true and that I'm not happy, don't get me wrong...it's just that I thought it would feel different.
on another note:
Anu left today...and it was soo sad to see her cry her heart out before she left...it is impressive how much we can get attached to our homes away from home. and yet no matter how sorry I was to see her leave, I just couldn't cry...and I couldn't understand it when I was there...then when she walked away from that glass window of the duty free area it hit me...why should I cry when I'm sure we will meet again...because I am sure that if we won't be able to go to india, there will be a day when she will return to this sunny rock. so there is absolutely no reason to be sad...it's not an adieu but a see you soon :)
and then I thought of what will be happening in exactly 4 months and 19 days...and just the thought makes me want to cry...the thought of leaving everything behind and starting afresh is beautiful and yet horrible at the same time...i will miss abi hugs when I cry cos the lab officer is making me go mad and i am stressed and tired...i will miss picking on abigail...i will miss julia ice tea after mass on sundays and julia chats and julia hugs and the sound of her laughter...i will miss the conversations I have with maria about future and masters and university and a lot of other things...I will miss post exam shopping sprees with girlfriends...i will miss stefan's funny dancemoves and tight hugs...i will miss the pointless conversations with matthew and thomas...i will miss the summer bbqs next to surfside with julia thomas matthew and co...i will miss the way at times i would like to send matthew and thomas to hell but i end up not sending them to hell cos deep down i know i love them too much and i dont want them to hate me...i will miss a whole lot of other things but most of all i will miss the way michela says "Ti Ti" when she hears my voice, the way she runs towards me when I get home from a long day at uni and the way she hugs me tight and kisses me.
...and IF I don't cry when I'm leaving please don't think it's because I don't love you all...it's because most probably I will be spending all the flight crying like a baby like when we went to Glasgow...but since even writing these things made me cry, the chances are that I won't manage to keep it in that long!
good night
xxxxxxx
Hey Tina,
ReplyDeleteJust got here from your Facebook page.
I enjoyed reading your post, and I feel quite the same. I'm also leaving my current life and friends for a two year program at the TU Delft. I guess that once the excitement of being admitted to the program you wanted dies out, the doubt would always sip in.
To be honest, I had just the opposite. When I got the "we are pleased to inform you that..." E-mail, I was struck with painful sadness and guilt, understanding that it really does going to happen, and realizing the consequences of following my dream. If it weren't for my dear friends, that dragged me to the nearest pub to celebrate my admission, I would have probably canceled the whole thing. Not that I was not happy with being admitted, not at all, I was thrilled, it's just that the I hate leaving my friends (and my girlfriend mostly) behind. And of course, the worries regarding the uncertainties of the fresh start, as you call it.
Regarding your question, I can't say whether what you feel is normal or not, but I can say you are not the only one :). Good friends would always be there for you, and even if you can't hug them in person, they all remain just a phone call away (or a Skype call away). So you never really start from scratch, you'd always have your friends back home to lean on. On the other hand, you would get a rare chance of getting to know plenty of new friends from all around the world.
So, keep your lights on, and see you in August.
Itai